|Silk + Chainmail = Not Good
||[Feb. 28th, 2007|08:56 pm]
I have a great deal of chainmail to keep oiled, and
whenever I want to wear some fine robes whilst wearing
the chainmail the oil gets all over my fine silk. How
do you manage to wear it without ruining clothing? I'm
at my wit's end.
Frustrated warrior princess
Okay, I'm not really sure why you think that I would know about all that ladies fashion stuff. If you ask me, you should never wear chain mail under fine robes, because what's the point of fine silks if you're going to cover up all those fine curves?
Now, it seems like there are two kinds of chicks who like armor. There's the kind who like to actually cover all the good parts with stiff leather or metal plates. Those are the kind who are actually going to go out and fight stuff, like Nina.
The other kind of armor-chicks are the ones who start by covering the good parts with form-fitting materials like thin leather, silk or chain-mail. Then they stop. Armoring done. This is the kind of armor that girls wear when their REAL quest is to get into the codpiece of the local knights. It also is not very heavy, which is good if, like I said, what they really want is to attract a tough man to do their fighting for them.
Now, the reason they do that is because it totally works. Most knights will fall all over themselves to chat up the hottie in the chainmail bikini. I have to admit, they sometimes catch my eye too, even though I'm with Nina. All in all though, I'd rather have a tough, feisty chick like Nina, even if she doesn't show that much skin most of the time. Helps you get a good imagination, and believe me, I can imagine all sorts of stuff! Anyway though, the downside of this is that those girls get kidnapped ALL the freakin time. I guess knights and nekomancers like the same kinds of girls, because they're always having to fight over them.
So which kind of chick are you? Basically it's pretty hard to have actual good armor and look all girly. Some girls can pull off a good-looking tough chick, but believe me, there aren't very many of them. You need to decide. Either ditch the chainmail and go for the full-on silky hotness, or invest in one of those nice molded breastplates.
A note on the molded breastplates. Go big. Believe me on this. Store rations or extra underwear in the empty space if you need to, but get the big ones. The really small ones sometimes don't even look like boobs at all, and trust me, everyone likes the big ones better. Sure, you might be smaller underneath, but as long as you get the guy good and worked up before you take it off, they won't care that much. Trust me.
Anyway, to answer you question, you shouldn't be trying to mix chainmail and silk. That would be like trying to swim in dirt or something. No wait, how did that go again? Eh, never mind, just get one of those big breastplates or just ditch it completely. That's going to look much better. Either way, don't skimp on the oil! ;) So I'm trying to keep that writer chick on a shorter leash these days, so we can gradually work through all the questions she hasn't sent to me yet. I promise, more soon!
||[Feb. 26th, 2007|08:19 am]
Okay, so I had to fire that writer-chick. I mean, what else could I do? She was totally not getting the job done. She hasn't given me any new questions to answer for a hugely long time now, and when I asked her about it, she said that she HAD gotten new questions for me but just didn't have TIME to send them along!
What the heck's up with that?
So obviously, I fired her. She really needs to get her priorities straight. I don't usually like to pull out the Royalty thing when I deal with my servants, but sometimes you just have to. You know? Or else nothing gets done.
So basically, what I guess I need is someone to follow me around all the time and send me people's questions so I can answer them, and then, you know, type them in to that computer thing. I mean, I'm pretty smart, but I'm no nerd.
How else will people learn about all the awesome adventures I've been having. Like that that award thingy I got nominated for! (The Podcast Peer Award) I might have to get myself one of those traveling barbers. You know, the singing ones! (Bards)
Okay, I'll fess up. I don't really need to hire anyone new. After all, I'm making the writer-chick type this in right now. It's her punishment for taking so long to get a new post up. I'll be keeping a closer eye on her in the future, I can tell you that! Make her spend a little more time with the quill pen so people can learn about my adventures after the end of the first book!
|Selfish or insecure?
||[Oct. 25th, 2006|07:59 am]
Is there a difference in guys who are just plain selfish as opposed to insecure?
Hi there, Jane! That's a good question, but before I get to the main answer, we should first find out if you are being reasonable or if you're being girly.
This is important, because a lot of girls are selfish too, and most of the time, they don't even know it. So when the guy makes a perfectly normal request, they accuse him of being selfish for asking when really, it's the girl being selfish for not wanting to do it.
Say a guy has been out drinking with his buddies, and they get thrown out for throwing up on the bartender again. If this guy lives the closest and brings all his buddies home to crash for the night, there are a lot of girls who would get mad. I mean, where's the hospitality? So many women go on and on about wanting to "entertain" in their homes and have dinner parties and stuff, but then a guy brings a ready-made party home and she gets mad and calls him selfish and inconsidered just because it's three in the morning. Half the time that a woman calls a guy selfish, it's really because she just doesn't want to do what he asked her to.
But some guys really are selfish, and especially to a girl, it can be hard to tell the difference between selfishness and being insecure.
Now, most guys are at least a little insecure. I mean, how could they not be? What with guys like me out there. So if a guy likes a girl, but he's insecure, he will put her in a situation where she has to repeatedly "prove her love" to him over and over to reassure himself that she likes him back.
This sort of thing will be familiar to you, because women do this all the freakin' time! If you don't like when guys do it, then welcome to our Kingdom!
Anyway, there's really only one test you can do to tell if a guy is being a jerk because he's insecure, or if he is just actually a jerk: Cheat on him.
You can actually cheat or just pretend. The test works the same either way.
When he finds out, he'll either be mad or sad. A selfish guy will get mad, like when you try to take a dog's food bowl while he's eating. His first thought will be "Hey, that's mine!" And he's likely to be just as mad at the other guy as he is at you, if not more so.
An insecure guy will get sad, because you've basically just proved that he really wasn't good enough for you, which was really what he suspected all along.
Now the risk with this test is that the guy will get either mad or sad, and you may wish that he didn't. If you don't want to try this test, you're just going to have to live with not knowing. And trust me, talking to him about it won't get you anywhere, because most guys won't even realize what they're doing either way. So if you decide not to cheat, but you want to help your relationship, why not try doing what he's asking you for? If you dressed up nice a little more often, do that thing he likes a little more often, and basically just worship him, he'll probably like it, and might start doing some nice things for you too. You catch more nice things with honey than with flies.
|Patronizing the Arts
||[Oct. 2nd, 2006|07:04 pm]
Be honest... did you pay the artist something on the side to have him
draw Nina so scantily clad?
Okay, hi everybody. First off I have to say sorry for taking so long since the last time I answered a question here, but I was really busy helping Nina to save her people. Now, the audiobook version kinda makes it sound like it was all Nina's doing, but trust me, read between the lines and you'll see that she couldn't have done it without my help.
Anyway, we got back to Langia, and now I'm off on a solo quest to catch Collius and Fardukai. It's going pretty well so far, but I'm going to try and take time out every so often to answer all your questions. After all, there's plenty of me to go around.
So, this is a bit of the artwork he's talking about:
I know! Awesome, right? Nina is smokin' hot.
Now, basically, if you know Nina, you know she usually doesn't show so much skin. She used to dress pretty hot when she used to go hang out at that crummy littly pub in town but most of the time she's a lot more covered up, wearing armor and stuff, and not the hot kind of armor like those chainmail bikinis and stuff.
That doesn't make her any less hot though, it just shows how tough she is, which is way cool. But back to your question... No, I didn't pay the artist.
I would have, but it turns out I didn't have to! Now, I'm pretty skilled in the arts of seducting myself, but I couldn't believe how easily the artist got Nina to pose for him like that! "You want to attract attention, don't you? Don't you want your artwork to draw the eye? To stand out from all the other book covers? Good or bad, the truth is that the cover is the first thing that people will see and you want it to be appealing as possible. It's just like when you dressed up in the tavern, you may be drawing their gaze with superficial things, but then they'll stick around for the rest. They can't get to know the real you unless they actually meet you in the first place, right? So why don't you undo one more button?"
Man, it was a thing of beauty!
Still, just because I didn't have to pay off this particular guy, doesn't mean that I'm not a King who, you know, likes art and stuff. Now, there are a lot of kings who do stuff like build big towers statues of themselves and stuff. But that seems dumb to me. I know I'm hot and all, but why do I want to walk around looking at statues of myself? And besides, what kind of king needs statues so that his subjects will know who he is? A wussy king, that's who.
So I've paid artists to make statues and paintings and stuff, but, you know, the kind of stuff I want to look at. Hot chicks! I love my people though, so I don't want to force them to see all that all the time. I mean, it'd just make them feel bad. The girls would feel ugly and the guys would be bummed that they couldn't get hot chicks like that. So basically, all my stuff is in a special room in the Palace and only I'm allowed to see it.
I'd let Nina see it if she wanted, but I don't think she's much of an art lover.
Anyway, I'm going to to try to get lots more questions answered soon, and you can send me new ones at email@example.com. And tell all your friends that they can hear the audiobook version of all my adventures at http://www.ninakimberly.com!
Bye for now, everybody!
|Dealing with troublesome parents
||[Jul. 25th, 2006|03:50 pm]
The my father called the hotline and his voice recording was put on the 18th chapter!!! I was so mortified when he montioned my name. What if my friends heard! I would be the laughing stock of my kingdom. Not so much that i listen to the books but that he does too! Ya know, for a teenage girl, that can really take a toll on your image. And from what i've seen, you are just the man i should ask about this advice, since you are a king and all and you know the kind of things i am going through. You know, trying to maintain a status and everything. But ya see, i cant just pay someone or have their heads cut off if i dont like them. And i think there might even be a law against beheading your own father. What should I do?
Missy, daughter of Mark
First of all, sorry for not answering this sooner, but that writer chick has been slacking off for weeks and she didn't forward me your letter until yesterday. Jeez, what do I pay her for anyway?
Back to your question though, maintaining an image is a lot of work, even if you're pretty awesome to begin with. Now, you aren't as bad off as you think, because pretty much every father ever does embarrasing things all the time. For example, my dad once cancelled my Junior Archery tournament just because I shot that one guy in the arm and that other guy in the neck. I mean, it's not like they died! He totally overreacted.
But all dads are like that. I think the stress of putting up with a pregnant woman for nine months does something to their brains. So just remember, dad's are to be pitied, not despised, and even though beheading them sometimes seems like the right move, you have to remember that it's not really their fault. You and your mother did it to them.
My point is that anyone that has a dad is going to be able to relate to having an embarrassing dad. And in fact, since dads are always trying to come up with things that you can do together for quantity time, this is as good as any. It's something you wanted to do anyway, and even though your friends might find out he listens, they don't actually get to see him doing it. Like what if he wanted to come and help with your cheerleader practice or slumber parties or whatever it is girls do?
Still, just because everyone has an embarrassing dad, that doesn't let you off the hook when it comes to maintaining your own image. You still need to prove yourself as a cool chick. And trust me, that means a lot more than wearing hot clothes and makeup and stuff.
When you want to go about improving your image, the first place you want to head is the library. (I know it sounds crazy, but stay with me!) Look around for someone with pale skin and thick glasses, and then either pay, flirt, or threaten them into doing some research on your family tree. What you're wanting to do is to find out if you have any "Royal Blood" in your lineage. Even if you only had some little podunk count nine generations back on your second-cousin's side, then you're still ahead of the game, because as long as you've got a drop in you and you can prove it, you're in the club.
And that's what having an image is really all about. You have to have something that most people don't have, and then you have to convince them that that thing you have is awesome. (That's why you check for royal blood first, because everybody already knows that that's awesome.) Then, all you have to do is sell it! It's all about confidence. If you know in your heart that you're the hottest thing since cheese slices, then other people will believe it too and coolness is on it's way to beating down your door or window.
||[Jul. 7th, 2006|05:03 pm]
I have a little problem, a girl my lil brother introduced me to has become a little too atached a little too fast. How do I get rid of a clingy wanna be girlfriend without hurting her feelings?
Is she a monkey too? If not, then you might want to reconsider because I'm not sure you're going to do any better.
Anyway, if you're committed to getting rid of her, I do have some suggestions. It's not actually something I have to deal with very often myself. That's basically because it's pretty well understood that I'm with Nina and that she could kick anybody's ass in the kingdom.
So for starters, the best way to get rid of a wanna-be girlfriend is to have an actual girlfriend. I know for a lot of people though, that's just not practical advice, so if you can't get a real girlfriend, have you considered an imaginary one?
When making up a pretend girlfriend, the first thing you need is a good reason that nobody will ever see her. Now, when trying to come up with that reason, the first thing that most people will think of is that the girl lives in another country or something, but the problem with that is that a really aggressive clinger will just use that as a reason that you should hook up with her, because your "other girl" isn't around.
And careful not to make the explanation too unusual, like "She swallowed an invisibility potion" or "She's a vampire, so she can't come out in the sunlight" because that sort of thing just makes people want to ask more questions.
Instead, go with something that they can't argue with, like, "You've never met her because she doesn't like you so she makes a point to never been in the same place as you." The great thing about that one is that it also gives you an excuse to not spend time with the clinger. "I'm sorry I can't hang out with you, because I like you a lot, but I promised to spend some time with my girlfriend, and... you know, she hates you."
That way, it's your "girlfriend" that doesn't like her, not you, so you won't hurt her feelings. Be prepared though, a determined clinger might stalk you a little, trying to get a glimpse of your mystery girl. If so, you might want to invest a little time in practicing a girl's voice, so you can pretend to be having a conversation with someone. Or in extreme cases, you might need to dress in drag.
||[Jun. 6th, 2006|11:22 pm]
I must say I am quite a fan of your podcast, and I apologize if these questions have already been asnwered therein (I am only up to episode 11). However I must ask. Why does a stud like you keep pursuing Nina when you could have any woman in all of Langia ?
Oh and P.S. What is Langia's chief export and import ?
P.P.S. What do you really think about William ?
Well, let me cover the last questions first, since they're pretty simple.
Langia's chief export and import? Turnips and turnips. I'm not really sure how that stuff works though, my advisors Collius and Fardukai usually handle all that boring stuff.
As for William? He's an okay guy most of the time, but to be blunt, I think he's a little bit dumb. Whenever I talk to him he just gets this faraway look like he's just pretending to listen, I think because he doesn't really understand but wants me to think he does. And he sure did bitch a lot after that archery practice. I mean, what, did he seriously expect me to just walk around the woods looking for freaking arrows? Dude, just buy more! Anyway, even though he's not a bad guy, frankly, I'm getting a little sick of him. I mean, Nina and I need some private time!
On to your main question. It's definitely true that I could have any girl I wanted, and not just in Langia either! So given all that, how come I stay with Nina instead of digging into all the other female hotness I come across?
Well, for starters, she's super-smokin hot! And that's a big deal, but of course, there are other hot girls in the world, so even though it's important, it's not the only thing to take into consideration.
There's also the politics and stuff, because Nina is kind of like the hair to all those Barbarian guys since her father was the leader and all. So even though everybody's pretty happy all being together in one big kingdom, if we got married it would sort of make it all official, you know?
But that stuff is kind of stiff. I mean really, I know it happens all the time, but getting married just for politics? Where's the fun in that? It's important for kings to do good stuff for their people and all, and sometimes that means making sacrifices. Like that time that I had to apologize to that jerk Lord Pendleton from Orilandia just because he couldn't take a joke. I mean, come on! The horse apple in the wine goblet? That was classic! Still, even though those things are important, again, they aren't enough.
So what's the real reason I stay with Nina? I mean, I just love her, dude. What can I say? She and I have so much in common. We're both excellent fighters. We both became leaders at a young age because our fathers died. We both know how hard it can be to rule, and how lonely.
She's also super smart, and funny and tough. She's just plain awesome.
Basically, she's the only girl I've ever met who even comes close to being worthy of an uber-stud like me.
||[May. 27th, 2006|06:44 pm]
Okay, I guess I gave you all a lot to think about with the last couple of posts because nobody sent me any questions since then until this one. Anyway, this guy actually asked both me and Nina the same question but Nina already gave her answer over in Nina Kimberly The Merciless Chapter 16. Some weird stuff about wolves. Isn't it just like a girl to bring furry animals into a serious question?
Anyway, here's the question...
Nina / Francis,
I have been having a horrible time at work lately with an overbearing and very demanding boss. I can deal with this but he has also become very nit-picky and overcritical on every project I work on. Do you have any advice on how to deal with him and still keep my job?
Okay, this is something I know a lot about, because I'm basically everybody's boss in the whole Kingdom. When I was a kid, Collius and Fardukai, my royal advisors used to try to tell me what to do, but then I realized, Dude! I'm the king, not them. They aren't the boss of me, I'm the boss of them! So I still let them run all the boring stuff that I don't care about, but I don't really listen to them anymore. All they care about is money and crops and papers and stuff.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah. So because I'm the boss, I know what goes on in a boss's head. Not all bosses or kings are as cool as I am though. I mean, I try to keep everything easy-going in Langia. My subjects may be beneath me but that doesn't mean I have to be mean to them. I mean, what's a King without a kingdom, right? Well, I guess he's still going to be a pretty awesome person because of the royal bloodline and stuff, but having a kingdom is the coolest part of being a king.
C & F (my advisor-guys) used to tell me that good kings rule by fear. But that sounds kind of dumb to me. I'm not a scary king, I'm, like, an awesome king! The kind that you could hang out and have a beer with. You know, if you remember to bow first and all that. If you're a scary king, you have to be mean to everybody, and nobody likes you, and what fun is that? I think it would be pretty lonely.
It sounds though like your boss thinks he needs to be a scary boss. I don't know if he came up with it on his own or if other people told him he had to do it that way. He thinks that's the only way he can be a good boss.
So what you should do is two things. First, you should do what he says, because he is your boss after all, even if he's a mean one. That way, you make it harder for him to come up with mean things to say. Then, you should try to make friends with him, so maybe you should by him some beer or something. I know that would work for me.
Just remember to bow first.
Okay anyway, remember that if you have more questions for me, you can send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Also remember that you can hear all about my adventures in the free audiobook, Nina Kimberly the Merciless.
||[Apr. 26th, 2006|02:17 pm]
Since you seem to be an expert on one-sided relationships, I thought you might be able to help me solve this little riddle that has been rolling around in my head for a few weeks now. I dated a guy for a while, and not 2 months after our 2 year anniversary he says he can't see me anymore. Apparently I make him miserable.
Now I'm a nice girl. I work full time at a law firm and go to law school at night. My schedule doesn't exactly allow for much time to relax so he didn't even see me that often. And when he did, I was usually too tired to go out so we would stay in and watch a movie. I'm nice, everyone at work loves me, I have lots of friends, I'm on a fairly solid career track, I take care of myself, I fix my own appliances, I'm pretty cute, I love football, I'm a cheap date, and I'm an all around good person. Usually I would say I was perceptive, but seeing as how I made this poor guy miserable for so long without realizing it, I guess I have to take that off the list.
Here's my question. What is so wrong with this guy that he'll put up with someone who makes him unhappy for so long while pretending to be happy the entire time? Frankly, he wasted a whole lot of my time and I don't understand why.
You definitely came to the right place, because it's true, I am very experienced with one-sided relationships. I can't tell you how many times I've had girls coming on to me, totally crushing on me and stuff, but I have to turn them away, because I'm not available.
I'm like, "Hey, sorry babe. You're hot and all, but I'm with Nina and she totally shot down the three-way idea. So you'd probably better just move on and settle for someone else, because she can be really... violent."
Anyway, to answer your question, I'm going to start by assuming that it isn't something obvious, like if you got really huge or all your hair fell out or something. Because if it is anything like that, you already know the answer.
Okay, the next thing we need to look at is that there are always two people in every couple. In this case, it would be you and your ex-boyfriend guy. Now, you ask "What is so wrong with this guy that he'll put up with someone who makes him unhappy?", but you probably ought to spend some time thinking about what it was that you did to make him unhappy.
I noticed a couple of things in your description of yourself. First of all, you call yourself "nice" two times in that paragraph, and I have to be honest with you, most guys aren't looking for "Nice." "Nice" and "hot"? Not the same thing. That doesn't mean that you can't be both, but listen to your own words. You call yourself nice twice but don't say anything about hotness at all! The closest you get is "pretty cute" which is just not the same thing.
Plus, I read all that other stuff, and the only thing you said about the two of you as a couple is that he didn't even get to see you that often and that all you ever did together is stay home and watch movies! And I'll just bet you made him watch weepy chick stuff too. With all the other stuff you were doing, I feel like you didn't really have any room in your life for a relationship. It's really important to make your boyfriend or girlfriend a priority in your life. Take me, for example. I make it a point to spend as much time with Nina as possible. Even when she tells me to stop following her around, I know that, inside, she really appreciates the attention.
Now before you start feeling like you're totally to blame, remember that this guy might just be a jerk. Sometimes I worry that being such a public figure like I am makes things difficult for normal people because it just raises their expectations and girls like you start thinking that they can have a guy as cool as me when the problem is that there just aren't hardly any guys out there that are as cool as me.
There are a lot of guys who just aren't all that self-aware, and so they get unhappy without even knowing why. Probably, you didn't actually make him unhappy the whole time you were together. Probably, he just started being unhappy, like, two weeks before he broke up with you. Maybe his favorite sports team lost the championship or he had a crappy sandwich for lunch that day, but because he doesn't really think about stuff with, you know, logic and stuff, he didn't know what was making him happy. When guys like that get in that situation, all they can think to do is just start throwing stuff out of their life until they get happy again, but it doesn't usually work, because the real reason they are unhappy is that they are dumbasses. So it may be that his unhappiness didn't even really have anything to do with you, but because he's a dumbass, he blamed you for it anyway.
So, while I can understand that you are kind of mad because you feel like it was wasted time, given that he's apparently a dumbass, don't you think it's probably better that you broke up now instead of getting married or something?
Most guys aren't really that complicated, so if you find a guy who is, you should steer clear, because it probably means there is something wrong with him. And I know girls like guys to be mysterious and stuff, but trust me, in the long run, most 'mysterious' guys just turn into unhappy weirdos.
And if you find a new guy, make sure that you really set aside time to do exciting things with him. And "exciting" doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave home, if you know what I mean. ;-) Make a list of priorities so that you know when to let go of the trivial stuff, like your lawyer classes, and focus on the important stuff, like your bf's dinner.
(Remember to send your emails to askfrancisIX@gmail.com, and listen to his adventures in Nina Kimberly the Merciless.)
|Staying Awesome on the Road
||[Apr. 24th, 2006|12:57 pm]
A listener writes:
How do you manage to stay so good tempered while traveling? Aren't you used to servants taking care of you and giving you everything a king could want?
Here's a shout out to Tyranon.
Props and big ups to you.
This is a really good question, because it's important for people to know that, just because I'm a king, and have lots of servants and stuff, that doesn't mean that they do everything for me. I mean, sometimes when we have royal guests from other kingdoms, they bring so many people and bags and stuff, it's ridiculous. They need three people just to help them get dressed in the morning. It's kind of stupid.
Now, I know about fancy stuff, but I don't really care about most of that stuff. I don't need fancy food, I don't need fancy clothes. All of that stuff is just about trying to impress people. Some kings think that they need to have tons of people and weird fruit from three kingdoms over and wine that's a million years old or whatever. But they only use those things because they think people will laugh at them behind their back if they don't. I like things more simple. I just rely on my natural awesomeness to demand respect from people.
When I'm at home though, I do have servants. I've got my cooks of course, and messengers and guys that pick up and clean and all that. Plus all of them also have special duties too. First of all, say it's the middle of the night, and I feel like getting in some sword practice, all of my servants know that they need to be on-guard for sparring at all times. Now don't worry, I totally go easy on them. My servants also help me out with a game that Nina and I would play where she would hide from me somewhere and I have to find her. Now, obviously I don't really need their help, but Langia is a big place and I don't want Nina to get bored waiting for me, so the servants just speed things up.
But on the road, I don't really need all those guys. We're roughing it, and it's fun. We get to eat beef jerky and roast stuff on the campfire, so we don't need the cooks. We all stay together so we don't need messengers and we haven't been playing the hiding game, so really, the servants would just be in the way. They're not as used to living out in the wild, and they would slow us down, and that's not cool. So who needs em, really? I don't.
Plus, how could I not stay happy when I'm on a road trip with my girl? Questing rules!
On other matters, who's Tyranon? (Editor's Note: At this point, I informed him that "Tyrnon" is the dragon.) You want to shout out to the dragon? Okay. I guess he's pretty cool and all, with the fire-breathing and stuff, but it'll be even better when I tame him. Nina hasn't really been doing a good job with that so far, so it's time for me to step in, I think.
Thanks for the props though. Langia represent, yo!
King Francis IX
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